damn pissed off with my father. last night was the reunion dinner. my uncle, who was still in china, couldn't go but his son went to the dinner. now my dad disowned this uncle of mine and had the cheek to tell that to my grandmother, who had a brain operation and was a little confused. telling her this guy was her son but now his brother, he doesn't have a brother like that, all in our teochew dialect. now my cousin may be eurasian but that doesn't mean that he doesn't know the dialect or is an idiot. he could even ask my cousin "how come your dad didn't come back, he had avian flu or sars ah?" i was damned pissed off, and very disappointed in my father. but i expected this to happen anyway looking at how tactless he is and still keeps telling me to be more tactful and less arrogant and less curt. right now i never see the need to when talking to him. no subtleties or formalities necessary when talking to people like him.

all this happened when my uncle was posted to thailand before his current china assignment. my mom asked him to find out about my dad's current fascination and current overly regular visits to thailand and apparently he has yet another mistress. maybe 2 even. so my dad found out about my uncle communicationg with my mom behind his back and like all criminals caught red-handed he proceeded to divert the topic and brainwash me on the times he fetched my back to camp, saying this and that which i don't bother listening to. my ethics are sound enough without a need for unnecessary outside corruption. but bottom line, he disowned this uncle for "betraying his trust and doing things behind his back". does this mean that if he has a mistress in thailand, doing things behind our backs we all can disown him too? karma has a way of going round and coming right back at you.

chinese new year is meant to be a day of celebration, visits, festivities, happiness. unfortunately this seems to be a veneer that covers issues like family politics, family problems and so on. i believe that no matter what other families look like, they will always be dysfunctional in one way or another. so many dysfuntional families and no one knows. maybe some have more pronounced symptoms than the other, some don't. either that or they hide it very well. having a greater understanding and grasp of things as you grow older is like a double edged sword. some things you just don't want to know, or look away from. i despise my dad, but i feel sad looking at the way he eats sometimes. diets on veg and tofu, yet grabs at meats and such when he has the chance and looks like a scavenger when eating them. this imagery is very heart wrenching, and i don't know whether to sympathise with him, or just be disgusted.

my father said one day driving me back to camp. "i want to make this more of a son to father relationship, instead of a son to parent relationship." i was like thinking what the hell are you insinuating? so my mum is not my parent? WTF?! "i don't just want to be someone who just gives you money." and i just thought what the hell, you've been doing that for the last 20 years of my life and now you say this? what are you trying to do, canvass support for yourself ah? so to make up for 20 years of indifference now you want me to be buddy buddy with you and share my problems with you instantly? the last straw came when i said i have nothing to say about my expenditure, and he said "don't give such an arrogant answer". i was like FUCK! this is the last straw! i just said i have nothing to say because he has his own preconceived notions of how i spent my money and his own suspicions. i am too tired to explain myself, or cook up excuses and reasons that he expects or wants to hear so that he can launch off his own pre-prepared counter arguments and sermons. i just want to spit in his face and say if i ever learnt arrogance, it was from YOU! i never see a need to talk to a man who prepares a response to whatever you are going to say next and shoot an arrow back at you, metaphorically speaking. when you shut up, all his prepared verbal munitions just have no chance to be fired and end up as a useless stockpile.

my heart feels so heavy and it just hurts. i wish all this would end soon, now. heck it could end very fast if i chose, but who would look after my family then. being the eldest has so many implications, and now all these implications come to light. when you are just 6 or 8 years old and told you are the eldest child and have a lot of responsibilities it don't mean a thing, but now at the age of 20 pushing 21, it suddenly makes a whole lot of sense what those responsibilities entail. it sure ain't much fun being the eldest. had better train up to prepare for future fist fights. verbal sparring is no longer a viable way to deal with a reckless desperate man.

Bertram awoke @ 10:11 AM with