to think too much about something is an indication of a state of mind. to be fixated on it means something is wrong, not with what we are thinking of but ourselves. i think i have been working too much or too long. i keep having dreams every night, and every waking moment that i am not doing anything i feel like taking a nap. what this has to do with the first statement is on two levels.

firstly i keep feeling i need sleep... probably, i need a break. secondly, it is what i dream of. of that i am not going to say anything. that is the core of the matter though. it is because of the content that makes me unable to say anything. but anyway... dreams are dreams and they never come true. feels good enough though. wonder what happens if i were to be mentally conscious of what i am doing in a dream and be able to do what i want. right now it is on a constant autopilot where i just follow along.

i realise that i am actually quite a needy person despite the way i behave. i live alone, i do almost everything alone, i work myself non-stop. but every night i stay glued to a computer or i use the phone to sms. otherwise, i just lie in bed and think. i want company. that is what i want. unfortunately the most precious thing that people have and cannot easily give is time, not money. we exchange a lot of our free time for money or any other form of incentive.

to live to distraction from the fact that i am mostly alone contrary to what i want. i want to go and work and come back to someone who is waiting for me. that or come back and meet someone who is waiting or thinking of me. how many people ever think of you when you are away? how can i then get what i want? it is in fact almost impossible. people in the world never get what they really want. all they get is a poor fascimile thereof.

Bertram awoke @ 9:26 PM with (0) flashes of inspiration