my dream bike. brand new like this costs $2.3k. someone is selling his frameset for $400 and i can build it up from there. sigh... where can i get the money in the first place.

(all second hand)
frameset $400
shimano 105 grouppo ~$500

(all new)
saddle + seatpost + handlebar + stem $250 ~ $300
wheelset $350
tires + tubes $130
shoes + pedals + cyclecomputer $350

total cost is ~$2k

question is, where to get this kind of money in the first place? sigh...

Bertram awoke @ 8:44 PM with (0) flashes of inspiration

i dunno which to choose.


A. Tacx Tao (secured by grip of rubber surface)

or


B. Profile Design Kage (secured by grip by O-ring rubber band around the top)

i know this is vain but.... ah well. have to try both. don't know which would be easier to remove and put the bottle in yet hold it secure.

looking for a sponsor to believe in me and allow me to get a road bike for competition and training. wonder if this would actually happen.

Bertram awoke @ 3:29 PM with (1) flashes of inspiration

laugh in public, weep in private. the two faces of the masks of drama, comedy and tragedy. two faces of a coin but always hand in hand. that's how i lead my life. rarely do people see me cry. and that's how my life goes on.

i'm not sorry for sounding so melancholy, depressed or full of angst. this is a blog meant to vent myself, an outlet. so if you think this is too depressing for you then go read something else. why should i change myself to fit the whims and preferences of others? if you think this is all i do, just sit and go "oh my my life is so sad" and just cry and fill in this blog with inane content, think again. don't go forming your own conclusions without even attempting to find out more. like my father.

oh update. he seems to be very proud of his disowning of my uncle, telling everyone about it. talk about washing dirty linen in public. it's so degrading that it's repulsive. apparently when i was out cycling yesterday he was busy making a fool of himself at my grandmother's house. and apparently after being told yesterday that his sister had moved house, he did not listen, and today when he brought us to the old address and my mom told him the address was somewhere else instead he replied with a sarcastic "thank you very much". we are not begging you to give us a lift. if you're not happy, then fuck off. no need to act like a shallow family man giving us a lift and cursing and swearing after that. we can manage on our own thank you very much. our original plans of getting from point a to b never for once included you. when we learn how to be independent, you become useless. you are peripheral. but well let's give the man some credit. at least he acted like he listened. can't believe that when my aunt , through him, invited my family for lunch at her house today, he did not relay the message to my mum at all. intentional? knowing this man now, highly likely.

i feel like a zombie plodding around the house. lifeless, sluggish.

Bertram awoke @ 1:15 PM with (0) flashes of inspiration

i think i can run the 2.4 km ippt run in sub 9 min now. did 5.4 km in 18 min 35 sec yesterday. think this bodes well for my training. quite an improvement from the last time considering that i also did swimming and running training the day before. sometimes i think my long trainings for biathlon and triathlon are just a way to get away from home, distract myself, focus my thoughts. there is only so much meditation can do.

for people who read my poetry i am sorry there has been no updates for a long time. inspiration has not struck and i am not going to direct my mental energies there for quite a while. going to move my mind towards sport endurance and determination for a while. might be taking part in an army 50 km road relay if they can submit my name in last minute.

actually managed to squeeze in 30 km of cycling today. my heart was hurting... must have not warmed up enough. that or still tired from the day before.

songs of the moment:
Jewel - Stand
Michelle Branch - Are You Happy Now
I Will Be Your Shelter (from TVB serial Golden Faith)
Corrinne May - Something About You
Mika Nakashima - Find The Way
Craig Armstrong - (Both Love Themes from Love Actually)
Mr Big - Shine

kinds of tell you about my mood and feelings. simply one word. jumbled.


Bertram awoke @ 11:37 AM with (0) flashes of inspiration

damn pissed off with my father. last night was the reunion dinner. my uncle, who was still in china, couldn't go but his son went to the dinner. now my dad disowned this uncle of mine and had the cheek to tell that to my grandmother, who had a brain operation and was a little confused. telling her this guy was her son but now his brother, he doesn't have a brother like that, all in our teochew dialect. now my cousin may be eurasian but that doesn't mean that he doesn't know the dialect or is an idiot. he could even ask my cousin "how come your dad didn't come back, he had avian flu or sars ah?" i was damned pissed off, and very disappointed in my father. but i expected this to happen anyway looking at how tactless he is and still keeps telling me to be more tactful and less arrogant and less curt. right now i never see the need to when talking to him. no subtleties or formalities necessary when talking to people like him.

all this happened when my uncle was posted to thailand before his current china assignment. my mom asked him to find out about my dad's current fascination and current overly regular visits to thailand and apparently he has yet another mistress. maybe 2 even. so my dad found out about my uncle communicationg with my mom behind his back and like all criminals caught red-handed he proceeded to divert the topic and brainwash me on the times he fetched my back to camp, saying this and that which i don't bother listening to. my ethics are sound enough without a need for unnecessary outside corruption. but bottom line, he disowned this uncle for "betraying his trust and doing things behind his back". does this mean that if he has a mistress in thailand, doing things behind our backs we all can disown him too? karma has a way of going round and coming right back at you.

chinese new year is meant to be a day of celebration, visits, festivities, happiness. unfortunately this seems to be a veneer that covers issues like family politics, family problems and so on. i believe that no matter what other families look like, they will always be dysfunctional in one way or another. so many dysfuntional families and no one knows. maybe some have more pronounced symptoms than the other, some don't. either that or they hide it very well. having a greater understanding and grasp of things as you grow older is like a double edged sword. some things you just don't want to know, or look away from. i despise my dad, but i feel sad looking at the way he eats sometimes. diets on veg and tofu, yet grabs at meats and such when he has the chance and looks like a scavenger when eating them. this imagery is very heart wrenching, and i don't know whether to sympathise with him, or just be disgusted.

my father said one day driving me back to camp. "i want to make this more of a son to father relationship, instead of a son to parent relationship." i was like thinking what the hell are you insinuating? so my mum is not my parent? WTF?! "i don't just want to be someone who just gives you money." and i just thought what the hell, you've been doing that for the last 20 years of my life and now you say this? what are you trying to do, canvass support for yourself ah? so to make up for 20 years of indifference now you want me to be buddy buddy with you and share my problems with you instantly? the last straw came when i said i have nothing to say about my expenditure, and he said "don't give such an arrogant answer". i was like FUCK! this is the last straw! i just said i have nothing to say because he has his own preconceived notions of how i spent my money and his own suspicions. i am too tired to explain myself, or cook up excuses and reasons that he expects or wants to hear so that he can launch off his own pre-prepared counter arguments and sermons. i just want to spit in his face and say if i ever learnt arrogance, it was from YOU! i never see a need to talk to a man who prepares a response to whatever you are going to say next and shoot an arrow back at you, metaphorically speaking. when you shut up, all his prepared verbal munitions just have no chance to be fired and end up as a useless stockpile.

my heart feels so heavy and it just hurts. i wish all this would end soon, now. heck it could end very fast if i chose, but who would look after my family then. being the eldest has so many implications, and now all these implications come to light. when you are just 6 or 8 years old and told you are the eldest child and have a lot of responsibilities it don't mean a thing, but now at the age of 20 pushing 21, it suddenly makes a whole lot of sense what those responsibilities entail. it sure ain't much fun being the eldest. had better train up to prepare for future fist fights. verbal sparring is no longer a viable way to deal with a reckless desperate man.

Bertram awoke @ 10:11 AM with (0) flashes of inspiration

found my specs. at the kerb. at the bottom of the flyover. there is a god. period. time to honour promises.

Bertram awoke @ 5:11 PM with (0) flashes of inspiration

i think that i and oakley will never go well together. just lost my second pair. that goes to mean something.

and also, i hate the COC parades... or rather being part of it.

Bertram awoke @ 1:27 AM with (0) flashes of inspiration

celebrated melissa's birthday last night. happy birthday mel~! to say the least, i was quite shocked that it was to celebrate her birthday. thought it was any normal dinner. then came the "we're eating at a restaurant" part. then when i stepped in, there it was on the wall. "happy birthday melissa". >_<"

anyways it ended a little into the next day, or today. went home, took a bath and slept for this morning's cycling training. then i was surprised by that the group composed of very fit triathletes. there was even this guy and his wife who were about 50 years and still going. i was so so so shocked. they could cycle in front of me and climb hills on their bikes like no one's business. they are so damn fit! scary siaz... but on the good side, at least i found a constant group to really push my physical fitness to the next level, as they do cycling and running training on sunday mornings. 100km cycle followed by a 10km run. the ironmen and ironwomen of singapore. they are so so so fit it just scares me. you thought one guy you know can run 2.4km in 8 and a half minutes was cool? i think they can do better than that... after 40km of cycling. there was even this guy cycling on this really old school steel bike that had downtube shifters. and he was the first to get back from the cycling portion. power.

Bertram awoke @ 7:30 PM with (0) flashes of inspiration

i must be going mad or obssessed with stuff. i've no formal training of any kind and i want to take part in the upcoming biathlon in march. i've only just learnt how to cycle and i am going to take part in the NTU bike rally in feb. this is really insane... sigh... but let's give it a shot anyway ehz? what started as an effort to reduce body fat turned out to be such a crazy idea. time to log in training miles i suppose. both on land and in water. anyone wants to join me? i haven't swum for so long. can't even imagine how long i would take to swim 1.5 km now. but as the saying goes... "just do it!"

Bertram awoke @ 9:26 PM with (0) flashes of inspiration

now my skin is so strangely tanned. only my lower arms are tanned. the hands are not (cos i cycled with gloves on) and my upper arms are not (cos i wore short sleeved t-shirts). did another 60 km today but a relax one down to east coast with a group of guys, went around the area, go makan at ECP and went back home again. found out my bike had 2 critical faults. the rear wheel had to be trued and the rear derailleur mounting point was bent *inwards* 15 degrees. yes that means my rear dee could actually whack the spokes of my wheel at the innermost gear. fixed it all though thanks to michael (really lao jiao cyclist man) and the bike shop mechs (really nice guys). any cyclists who visit my site and who don't know about it can go visit www.togoparts.com. great site.

Bertram awoke @ 10:15 PM with (0) flashes of inspiration

my first bicycle

used this to train yesterday with some roadies... damn difficult to keep up with them manz.... 2 of them were actually triathletes too... saw a pair of $2+k carbon fibre wheelsets... and campagnolo record grouppo, and a titanium road frame that was so light... now my thighs are a little sore from all the riding yesterday... can't believe i clocked a total of 80+ km. scary siaz.

note to self: need to get a pair of padded cycling shorts asap however gay some people might think it looks. abrasion wounds from underwear and regular shorts is not funny. *oww* jerseys can wait till long time later.

Bertram awoke @ 12:10 PM with (0) flashes of inspiration

endurance.

clocking up miles in a bid for some training before i sign up for the NTU bike rally. will be so fun! a 128 km trip from NTU to pasir ris and back. haven't cycled so far in one sitting but i think it would be interesting. kinda like taking part in the marathon (which i didn't do). cycling is a low impact sport w.r.t. running of course.

dreams.

i wanna take part in a triathlon some day, but the sian part is the swimming section lol...

Bertram awoke @ 9:05 AM with (0) flashes of inspiration